This One is Personal

(but maybe you will relate?)

If you are going to try and cheer me up when I am depressed, then we can’t really be friends.

I don’t mean for ever. But for those times. My friends need to trust me enough to know that I am not planning on setting up camp there.

You need to understand some things about me. I am an empath. That means I feel EVERYTHING. That can get confusing. I don’t always know what is mine and what is someone else’s. I just feel it. And as I grow as a healer, I am being asked to heal on behalf of the collective. Feeling in order to heal is part of my process. Sometimes it gets bigger than me. I’m moving into territory where the old adage of “your stuff can’t be bigger than you”, isn’t always strictly true. When you are healing ‘on behalf of’, then, as with most Universal truths, there will be times when it both is and is not.

Healing on behalf of the collective. What is that?

It means that I don’t just process my own emotions. I also heal on behalf of the many on the planet who can’t heal their own stuff. It’s because I’ve gotten big enough to do it. I’m called on, because all of those who can, are needed. I will tend to collect other molecules that are vibrating at the same rate as whatever I am dealing with at that time. It’s a bit like someone seeing that you are doing a load of whites, and throwing theirs in there too. It really makes sense, right? I mean I am doing it anyway. Or the person you are with, going, “oh, you have a big bag.. You can carry my stuff too.”

I don’t mind doing it. It’s my great joy to be of service. But please understand that it’s not always a piece of cake. Sure, some days I can juggle the balls with ease, and you would never know what was going on under the surface, but other days I get crushed by the weight of it. If I’m not being impeccable with my self-care, then there will inevitably be days when I will need to drop my bundle. I will be depressed and sad, or angry and irrational, or everything all at once.. Working through this is where I mine my gold.

When I feel things, I go deep. That’s the place where I heal. That’s how emotional energy is transmuted and released. Through feeling it, honouring it and accepting it. By getting to a place where I can be grateful for it. Sometimes that can take a while.

There is not a whole lot about me that is surface level or shallow. I may not show it to you, but most of the time I have a lot of insecurities and fears jumbling around. My job is to hold it together, away from you. So I can be your safe space. But, you know what? Sometimes I need to find some space for myself. And it’s important that I feel all of those things. It’s how I process. Sometimes I need to be able to be in a bad mood. I need to be unreasonable, reactive, stubborn, furious, broken, sad, hysterical and grieving.

It doesn’t mean I’m staying there. But sometimes, I do need to settle in there for a little while. For me, as a healer, this is where the magic happens. It gets messy. And it needs to. Please don’t judge me as weak. Don’t tell me that I need to shift my thinking or try to jolly me out of my mood. I KNOW how to do all of that. And I will when it is time. I will ask for the help when I need to as well. Trust me to know how to do that.

What I need is for someone to hold space for me while I’m in there. This place has a purpose. If it makes you uncomfortable, and you can’t climb in here with me and hold me through it, then I totally get that. Please just be honest about not knowing what to do. Maybe you could just make sure my blankies are adjusted and that I have water, tissues and cookies within reach, before you retreat to leave me to it..

So, yes. Deep is where I live. I don’t often feel things at a surface level (even if I don’t let on). If I let you know you’ve hurt me, then it’s DEEP. Because I have spent so many years working on healing my stuff, the things that are left, or get triggered by our interactions, will be big, they may be almost Archetypal. It’s not just about what you said or did, as much as what it tips me into (it may be providing a pathway to something buried so deep that I couldn’t access it before), or what it represents.

This has a lot to do with my ability to heal for the collective. I know it doesn’t make me easy to deal with. Sometimes it’s hard for me to let things go. It’s not because I don’t want to. (It’s REALLY not because I don’t want to.) It’s because I need to explore where it goes and why I’m feeling this way. I’m probably just as confused and distressed by my feelings as you. Yes. I know I have all of these tools to deal with this. That’s because I NEED them. But there are days when I can’t pick them up. I just can’t. …I will. But not now.

I need you to know this, so that you don’t get hurt by this process too and start walking on eggshells around me. I’m big enough to handle this. I am both tougher and more fragile than I look. I need you to trust me. And I need to be able to trust you.

If I feel you’ve hurt me, then I will retreat into my tower of thorns.. Partly because I feel vulnerable and I need to feel safe. Partly from a need to protect everyone else from what I’m feeling. And a part of me is also waiting to see what you will do. Will you be bothered to try and find me, or will you take advantage of the opportunity to leave?

And if we have a problem (and if I have a problem, then WE have a problem. It’s part of being an empath. The lines between us get blurred. Yes, I will take things personally, more than most people), then a txt message isn’t going to cut it. For a start, I can hide from you in a txt. I can tell you I’m fine when I’m not. And I won’t know where you are at either, because it lets you hide too. Txts are a great way to keep the connection open when things are OK. And they can be a great way to initiate communication. Sometimes they are the only option. But they are also too easily misinterpreted.

If we have a problem, then I need to hear your tone of voice and inflection when you speak to me. Is there gentleness or sarcasm in there? Compassion or judgement in your words? If I can’t see you, then I need to be able to ‘feel’ you. I need to know where you are coming from, so that I know how to respond. The longer I’m confused, the more likely that I will just close myself off from you. And then an opportunity for healing gets lost.

Like the Universe, I am discovering myself, and a part of knowing who I am is exploring who I am not. Being in those places distresses me more than you will ever know. But it is my job to go there. Gentleness, kindness, compassion, calmness and reason are where I feel at home. But they will have no depth to them unless I can learn how to bring in their shadows and live there too.

And I am also a single mother. Several times a week I have someone shouting at me, pushing my boundaries, pushing my buttons and loving and hating me with equal intensity. I am establishing a business, so I rarely get enough sleep or get enough done. I am always chasing something and feeling like I am failing. I live in overwhelm a lot of the time. It’s part of the journey. I am a healer and a coach. So I am almost always holding space for someone, holding things together for someone, putting my own stuff aside for a while, bringing my stuff in to be seen so that my vulnerabilities can be of service, cooking, washing, writing, driving, supporting, leading..

And I forget a million times a week. And I remember. And I still doubt. And I still inspire..

Oh. And I am also human. I get exhausted. Sometimes I just can’t hold it all. I just can’t.